This is post #10 — we’re now in the double digits, yay! ٩( ^ᴗ^ )۶

This post also happens to coincide with the end of the second month of this blog, so I thought now would be a good time to reflect on how it’s going:

Well. . . . ‘^^

Okay, I confess that I’ve already had quite a few spasms of self-doubt about the entire business. For instance, have all of my posts, especially all the ones about this blog itself — and thus, by extension, myself —, been nothing but a series of self-important, self-indulgent scrivenings??

. . . I’m not sure I can truthfully say they’ve not been. >_<

At the same time, I still went on as planned because . . . well, because I have promised myself — not to mention all the friends whom I’ve recruited to help keep me accountable ‘>_< — that I would post when I said I would, damn it!

I have no idea what I’m doing~~~! (She wailed.)

But. (A small voice whispered.)

Apart from the whole committed-to-courage thing (why do I do this to myself?? щ( ºДºщ )), one of the things that stops me from pulling the plug on this whole blog — an integral part of the whole shoot-for-the-stars ミ☆ dream of becoming a successful author thing — is knowing that part of what I’m doing is — like an idiot — revealing my not knowing what I’m doing in public so that maybe, just maybe, other people who also don’t know what they’re doing can see a little less of the polished perfection of other people’s highlight reels that so often get posted on social media — and that they contrast with their own internal lowlight reels and then just feel terrible about their lives and themselves. (Not that I’ve ever done that. *coughs* Ever. At least, not after the first billion times. Ahem.)

While I have my share of writer hero(in)es, sometimes I just want to see someone like me, ordinary (and obscure ‘^^), who is doing the thing I’m trying to do — and, yeah, struggling with it. I mean, I don’t want to see them failing all the time. Of course not. I mean, don’t get me wrong: I definitely have my moments of perverse schadenfraude (because I’m petty like that XD), but it’s so tiring — and tiresome! — watching other people succeed time and time and time again when it feels like my own life is a series of failure after failure after failure. You know?

Was it Winston Churchill who said, “Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm”?

Well, with all due respect to Churchill . . . fuck off. DX

Only a pretentious asshat would ever claim that serial failure doesn’t ever blunt the edge of enthusiasm — when it’s not brutally murdering it with an axe in a dark alleyway. “No loss of enthusiasm”, my ass. (◔_◔)

Anyways.

TL;DR
I’m struggling with self-doubt, but I’m still here.

Onward with the I have no idea what I’m doing, but here goes–ing!